The Iron Circle

She's Here!!!

2009-05-06T15:28:00.005-06:00

Caroli.ne Eliss.a was born Friday, May 1 at 4:41 p.m.

7lb 1oz, 19 inches

Everybody is happy and healthy...

2009-05-06T15:28:00.001-06:00

Almost 36 Weeks

2009-03-16T18:54:00.012-06:00

Since I have horribly neglected this blog, I thought that I would pop in and and give ya'll a little update if anyone is still reading.

WARNING...Belly pics at the bottom of this post!

As for the Baby...

She is in the 39th percentile and growing steadily. Next ultrasound is next week to check for growth.

We still do not have a name. Thanks honey. Sometimes I think he's just doing it just to torture me. He knows I am dying to monogram something....anything that I can get my hands on actually. :)

As for Me:

I alternate between excitement and panic about 10x an hour. I am so excited. D day is about 6 weeks out! Holy Crap! That is SOON.

The whole BF thing is completely freaking me out...like nightmares. That can't be good. I have forbidden myself from anymore research on the topic. The more I read, the more stressed that I was getting.

I still can't believe that this little alien wiggling inside me is a real baby. It is just unbelievably surreal to me.

Other random stuff:

I have had one shower and I have one more this weekend. I am just so blessed to have the best friends. It was so weird to be at a BABY shower for me. I have been boycotting those things for years.

Nursery is in the works. Hubby and I moved out all the furniture last weekend and the crib and dresser will be delivered Friday. I'll post pics as all that comes together.

I have appointments to meet 2 pediatricians next week. Hmm...I think that's everything.

Belly pics below for those who would like to see... :)

Happy Valentine's Day!

2009-02-12T10:40:00.002-06:00

I know. I know. Most people think its an over commericalized, fake holiday. I don't. I just adore it. It breaks up one of the dreariest months of the year and you celebrate with chocolate and cupcakes and time spent with hubby.

Actually, it is one of my favorite day's of the year, but I'm spoiled. Since J travels so much with work, he is always out of town for his birthday and my birthday and our anniversary. It never fails. We do still celebrate, but it usually involves the rest of the family. Valentine's Day is just for us. Our tradition is that every January, I remind him to make reservations somewhere. His job is to pick the place and make reservations. It is always a surprise to me on Valentine's to find our where we are going. The restaurant is inevitably overcrowded, the food is never as good as it should be, the prices are ridiculous....and still, I love it. It is our special tradition. I know J does it for me because I love it so much. :)

Do any of you have any special Valentine's traditions?

2009 and Family Drama

2009-01-02T16:22:00.005-06:00

Happy New Year to everyone!

I haven't blogged in forever so here's a little bit about what's been going on with me.

I am 23 weeks and everything is going well. I see the perinatologist again on Wednesday for another ultrasound since the baby was a little small last time. I'm excited about seeing the wee one again.

I can feel the baby moving...as in I think she has aspirations to be a ta.e kwon doe black belt. J has been able to feel the baby too!

Rachie asked how the whole big secret thing was going...and I have to tell you it WAS going splendidly. Enter evil mother in law. The short version of the story is that J made the mistake of telling her that I knew. She calls me and wants to know..yadda yadda...I explain to hear very clearly that if I tell her she CAN NOT tell anyone, and that J especially DOES NOT want to know. Since my family knows, I felt like she is entitled to know as well. 15 minutes later J knows that we are having a little girl.

To say that I was livid is probably the understatement of the century. Her excuse...I forgot.

I have never raised my voice to her in the 10 years that I have known her and I was shrieking at her like a banshee. If she had been in the same room, I would be in jail for assault.

Oh yeah...her response to"it's a girl" after 5 years of trying was... "well, you can try again..." Isn't she just a lovely person? I did manage not to call her an effing b to her face. That was the only restraint that I could muster.

We have not spoken to her since all this occurred before Christmas. Quite frankly, it will be up to my husband if we ever speak to her again. She has never been a pleasant person...trust me, I could tell you ALL kinds of stories...but for as me, I'm done.

Hmm...other than that crazy family drama. Everything has been really wonderful. I finally look pregnant. (Picture to come soon...I promise.) Christmas was nice. I've really got nothing else. :)

It's a...

2008-12-01T14:38:00.005-06:00

GIRL!!!

Can I just say that you guys are the internet equivalent of the magic eight ball? :) I am so impressed. Do you guys have the winning lotto numbers too??? We can buy an island in the Bahamas....

Okay....so here's the deal. My husband doesn't want to know. Men. Who can fathom the way their brains work? So if you know me and you read this SHHHH... No telling.

In other news, everything looked good at the scan today except that the baby is measuring small for dates. So under doctor's orders, I have to have another scan in a month. Yay! Can't wait to see the little one again! According to my mom, my brother and I were both small babies so there probably isn't anything to be concerned with.

The peri forgot to take face photos. Oops! We have a perfect picture of a little hand though. The peri was really mashing down on my abdomen. I think she was trying to sleep. Clearly, she did not like being disturbed. :) See below...

Long Day

2008-11-20T22:35:00.003-06:00

I just got home from the perinatologist's office. It was an unscheduled, holy crap, did I hurt the baby kinda visit.

I am such a klutz! I walked straight into a concrete post. It hit me directly in the abdomen on the lower, left side. The baby is fine. Thank God! No bleeding or anything. Just scared the crap out of myself, and I am probably going to have one, crazy bruise cuz let me tell you. It still hurts.

Doctor's orders...Ty.lenol and rest.

One of my friends is threatening to wrap me in bubble wrap. That may not be such a bad idea...

16 weeks

2008-11-12T19:38:00.003-06:00

Everything progressing without drama here. Next doctor's appointment is Monday. I can't wait to hear the heart beat again! I feel pretty calm and confident the first 3 weeks between my appointments, but the last week, I start to get a little antsy and paranoid.

Anatomy scan is scheduled for the first week in December. I am excited to find out whether we are having a little boy or a little girl. I added a poll in the sidebar if you would like to play along. :)

My mom thinks we are having a girl. My husband thinks we are having a boy. No dreams to speak of except for one I had in the two week wait. In this dream, my husband missed the birth (not entirely improbable, he does travel quite a bit), and we had a little boy. Strangers on the street seem to think I am having a girl. I have absolutely no gut instinct either way.

General Old Wives Tale Scoop

I had morning sickness, but not in the morning. It started in the afternoon and lasted until I went to bed at night.

I am craving salty and sour foods. Sweets aren't that exciting. Strawberries have never tasted so good in my entire life though. Strangely, I am craving food that I never have been all that fond of that my husband loves.

I am carrying low and I think it looks roundish. I think it is still too soon to tell. I will post a new pic if the belly starts to look different.

The baby's heart rate is about 160 beats per minute.

Internets...what do you think? Boy or girl?

15 weeks!

2008-11-06T15:48:00.003-06:00

I am officially in the second trimester. My pants are cutting off circulation to my feet (Thank God for that little band thing! I was driving with my pants unbuttoned and unzipped. Sexy...I know. :) ) and I am finally beginning to feel human again. That first trimester kicked my butt. A couple of people that I haven't told that I am pregnant and have asked when I'm due! Really? You can tell???

As promised, here is the first belly pic. I had to take the photo myself. J travels and I keep forgetting to ask him when he's home. Please ignore the messy bathroom. :)

11 weeks

2008-10-07T12:21:00.002-06:00

As I approach the 11th week of this pregnancy (11weeks! Holy cow!), I am beginning to feel more and more positive about the outcome. I have been debating whether to have a nuchal translucency test. It's an ultrasound that specifically looks at risks such as Down Syn.drome and other chromosomal anomalies.

I have been waffling back and forth. On one hand, I just really, really want another ultrasound. I want to see with my own eyes that the little cupcake is alright. On the other hand, I don't know that I really NEED the scan. And what if, the results are alarming? I think that I have decided that I would rather move forward with the test. There is no such thing as too much information, right? Okay, maybe there is, but after all of this...I just want to know. You know?

Question...I already asked one blogger...the fabulous Heather who just had beautiful baby Katherine this, but I am curious what others think. (Thanks for the feedback Heather!) For those of you who have been or are pregnant after infertility, when did it start to feel real? Let me clarify...when did you start to actually believe that you would bring home a baby? At the first ultrasound, when you heard the heartbeat, when you felt the baby move or at some other random point?

I find it absolutely impossible to wrap my brain around the idea that I will have a baby next year. It is just incomprehensible. I think about the future and I have such a difficult time seeing a baby in it. I wonder if this is something that every woman experiences, or if this is directly linked to infertility. After all these years of saying, next Mother's Day or next Christmas, or before my next birthday, if our brain just refuses to believe that it is finally real. Is our defense mechanism this strong?

I'm just curious to know what others out there have experienced...

Belly pics soon. :) Pam, if I show you mine, you have to show me yours!!!

10 weeks...almost

2008-09-30T16:28:00.003-06:00

We are slowly recovering from the hurricane haze. We finally got power back after 2 weeks and 10 hours on Saturday afternoon. Hallelujah! I apparently am completely spoiled rotten...no surprise there...but 2 weeks without power was just a bit much.

Everything else is going smoothly. I will be 10 weeks tomorrow. I saw my ob last week and saw the baby with an abdominal ultrasound. I was a little bummed because you can't see as much, but how cool that you can already see the baby abdominally!!! She was happy with how I am progressing and I don't see her again for..gulp...4 weeks! As much as a hate being sick, the nausea is blessing that serves as a constant reminder that someone is alive and growing in there.

I have been so behind on all of my blog reading. I have been reading but when you are playing catch up, it is hard to comment as much as I would like. Please know that I am still reading and cheering for all of you. I should be back to normal soon.

As for my tummy, it looks remarkably the same with a little more pudge. I plan to start taking belly pics soon to start documenting. I haven't gained any weight, but my pants are tight around the waist.

Forgive me for the rambling post. I promise to be at least slightly more coherent next time... :)

Hurricanes Suck

2008-09-18T15:28:00.002-06:00

Isn't that an eloquent title?

We live at least a 100 miles from the coast, but it looks like a bomb went off in my backyard. Thankfully, our family and our home is a-okay, but we currently have no power, no cell service, no phone lines. We got water back yesterday.

Huge, beautiful oak trees are down everywhere, power lines and telephone poles too. In yards, in the street, on houses...it is a huge mess.

I currently have 200 unread posts in my blog reader. I promise to get caught up with everyone soon.

No pregnancy news...I can't believe I said the p word, but the nausea has done a pretty good job convincing me that something is going on in there. I am currently 8w1d. Next appointment is Tuesday.

7w0d-Random Updates

2008-09-10T20:41:00.005-06:00

I got to see the baby again today...and I actually got to hear the heartbeat!!!! Everything is progressing normally.

Today was my last PIO. My butt is eternally grateful. It was beginning to get rather uncomfortable. Estrogen patches and pregesterone up the who-ha for 3 more weeks.

I have been sick. The nausea and vomiting...ugh. I was expecting it and I am relieved to have it but...ugh. It's not fun. I am such a whiney butt. :)

If you would like to see an ultrasound pic, scroll down.

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Sorry for the crummy flash...this is a pic of a pic. I gave up on the scanner. :)

The Short Version

2008-09-03T11:47:00.002-06:00

5 years
4 specialists
2 surgeries
3 chemical pregnancies
1 IVF
2 follicles
2 fertilized eggs
2 day 3 embryos

1 beautiful teeny-tiny heartbeat

Praise God!

5w6d

2008-09-02T13:51:00.003-06:00

As the incredibly patient, non-anxious infertile that I am, I called the RE's office today to see if I could have more blood work. They suggested that I just come in tomorrow for an ultrasound! Woo-Hoo!!! I really seem to have good luck when I am a squeaky wheel.

Tomorrow it is. At 6 weeks exactly, I will have my first ultrasound.

Symptom Watch 2008 is also in full swing. I have noticed, and I sure my husband has as well, a couple of rather charming mood swings. It is like the evil grouch alter ego takes over. It is scary folks. Yesterday, the food aversions and general yucky pukeyness started. As of yet, I have not been sick. I am also tired all of the time. It is so bizarre. I hate how I feel, but emotionally, it is very reassuring.

Yesterday was my birthday. It was the big 2-9. Does that mean I am supposed to feel like an adult now? I keep waiting for that switch to flip. I have been dreading my birthday all year. I was not expecting it to pregnant for my birthday. Instead, it felt more like a non event. Probably because for now, all is right in my world. Hoping that it continues to be...

Ultrasound tomorrow....please God, let somebody be alive in there!!!

5w0d

2008-08-27T12:27:00.002-06:00

I am at exactly five weeks today, and with that comes the irrational fear. I have never made it past week five. I think the worst part of this is that I have no idea if either one of those little guys are still alive and growing in there. With all of the progesterone and estrogen support, I don't think that I would experience miscarriage the same as in the past.

I am terrified that I will see no heartbeat at the ultrasound. I have considered begging for another set of blood work, am I crazy? Should I just sit on my hands and wait or should I ask for more feedback?

There is nothing that I can do that will influence outcome....and it is slowly driving me crazy.

Wishing, hoping and praying that the little life or lives that were growing still are.

593

2008-08-21T09:04:00.002-06:00

My beta is 593 12dp3dt or 15 dpo!!! The doubling time is 33.4 hours. YAY!!!

No more monitoring until my first ultrasound in September. Until then, the plan is to take life one day at a time. Why do I think that might be harder than it sounds? :)

Beta Day

2008-08-19T17:54:00.002-06:00

I have been reasonably calm. That calmness completely disappeared about an hour before I expected my IVF nurse to call with results. I was pacing the room, basically in a cold sweat. I couldn't figure out how my panic switch got flipped. I figured it out.

I have NEVER gotten good news at a beta. Charming. That was an enlightening piece of information to ponder as I waited another 45 minutes for the phone to ring.

219! That is my number. Holy cow. At 10dp3dt 0r 13dpo, it is 219. I sobbed. We are ecstatic. Next beta...Thursday.

Still praying. We are not out of the woods yet.

Confession is Good for the Soul

2008-08-18T13:58:00.003-06:00

and the anxious IVF patient, apparently...

I called my IVF nurse today and opened with..."I have a confession..." Her response, "What did it say?" Why do I feel like she has heard this before??? :)

Since I confessed to seeing two lines, they are going to let me come in for my beta tomorrow!!! It is starting to feel real. The initial shock is wearing off. How I can feel shock after 5 years, and an in vitro cycle is a mystery in itself, but shock was definitely the first response.

Hoping for good news tomorrow.

A Picture Worth A Thousand Words

2008-08-17T17:31:00.004-06:00

8dp3dt

I am literally speechless. Beta is Wednesday. Praying for strong numbers! If you know me in real life, please, please don't say anything to anyone yet. It is just too soon.

7dp3dt

2008-08-16T09:17:00.002-06:00

Okay...so tomorrow I will break out the little evil sticks, and we will see what they have to say.

Currently, I have no symptoms...well except for those that feel related to the progesterone. My butt is permantly sore from the PIO injections. I am just doing my best to stay busy. One day at a time, right???

To Pee or Not To Pee

2008-08-11T14:04:00.002-06:00

that is the question...

Okay. As you all know, in the past I have singlehandedly supported the pee stick industry. I have a lovely stash ready to go. If you don't believe me, click here.

Now, I'm not so sure. I confirmed this morning that the trigger is out of my system. Today is 2dp3dt. Soooo...I have at least a couple of days to think about it. I figure the earliest I can give in to my little crack-like habit and see anything meaningful at all is Thursday. Beta is the following Wednesday.

What do you think?

The Wait Begins

2008-08-09T15:37:00.003-06:00

Transfer was uneventful. We transferred two, high quality, day 3 embryos. I am currently at home incubating on the couch.

I have so much hope, and yet this whole experience seems a little surreal. I have two, tiny little people inside of me. I hope they decide to enjoy the view for the next 9 or so months.

3 Day Transfer

2008-08-08T14:19:00.003-06:00

Transfer tomorrow!!! It looks like both of them are going to make it to transfer!!! They are both developing beautifully. Transfer is 8:30a.m. Texas time.

Now, I am truly optimistic.

I have so many thoughts bouncing around in my head, but since I will be on bed rest, I am trying to get everything tied up around here. I'm sure I will drive you crazy with posts once I've been banished to the sofa.

Thanks so much for all the encouragement! Y'all are wonderful...but I'm sure y'all knew that already. :)

Fertilization Report

2008-08-07T18:23:00.002-06:00

Both eggs were mature and both fertilized!!! Grow and divide little guys. Grow and divide.

Good News

2008-08-06T08:32:00.006-06:00

2 out of 2!!! We got them both. Everything went smoothly. We will get the fertilization report tomorrow.

I even survived my first PIO shot.

Hope is definitely creeping in...

Hoping...

2008-08-05T09:58:00.004-06:00

IVF it is. We are scheduled for retrieval early, early tomorrow morning. Thanks again for all your support. I'll update again when I get home.

Two

2008-08-03T17:00:00.002-06:00

My body sucks. It definitely has its own agenda, and apparently growing follicles is not part of the program. It looks like I will have only two mature follicles at trigger tomorrow. I have been given the choice of converting to an IUI or continuing on with the IVF.

My RE has had success with only two follicles. I could have two embryos on transfer day, but she has also cautioned me that in the worse case scenario I will have nothing to put back.

At this point I am planning to move forward with the IVF. Am I completely crazy?

Still Three

2008-08-02T08:30:00.002-06:00

I still have three follicles growing. Yay! They are 10, 12 and 13 in size. I started the Ganirelix this morning. I go back Sunday morning to see if I am on track for a Tuesday retreival. My estradiol level is still pretty low, so they added a vial of menupur to my protocol as well.

I don't see how people do this so many times. This has been absolutely exhausting...or maybe that's the meds...and the no caffeine.

Thanks so much for all the support. The encouraging words and the kind thoughts have really been wonderful. It was so good to know that when I had no hope at all that you guys were still hoping for me. It really pulled me out of my funk.

Okay great, where's the box of kleenex....I am totally blaming this on the hormones...

Three

2008-07-30T10:09:00.003-06:00

I have three follicles that decided to cooperate and grow. One was a little slacker and decided not to show up for the party. The three that are growing are about the same size at 1 cm so this is good news.

My doctor brought up IUI today. Apparently three is the minumum that they like to have to move forward with an IVF. My questions to her was "if we decide to do this again, could we get more follicles." After reviewing my history, my body consistently makes three follicles. This may be as good as it gets. If I continue with three, and everything else looks good, we are going to move forward with the cycle. According to the law of averages, I should have at least one to put back. Now, if my body would just get the memo.

Please God, please...

Bummed

2008-07-27T09:32:00.003-06:00

I have 4 follicles...and they are tiny...and my estrogen is low. I can't help but feel discouraged. Even with meds my body refuses to cooperate.

They are upping my dose from 225 to 375 a day so, hopefully, that will help. I am just so disappointed. Only 4.

sigh

No Longer A Needle Virgin

2008-07-25T19:37:00.003-06:00

I gave myself my first ever hormone injection today. I was the world's biggest weany. I set up the injection and then said, "1, 2, 3..." and nothing. I couldn't bring myself to actually poke it in! J is out of town. So there I was, standing in my kitchen, trying to figure out who to call. Needless to say, after several pep talks, I managed to stick myself. I push down on the button and nothing happens! So, I pull it out to figure out why it wasn't working. I finally figure out that my finger was in the way somehow and recalibrate and restick. And you know what? It wasn't that bad at all. I am SUCH a weany. The needles are tiny.

In other news, I went to see my acupuncturist today. The chi.nese heat torture has been suspended until the BLISTER on my back heals. It's really hard to gauge how hot it is actually getting since it heats up so slowly. Next time, we are going to take it down a notch. I do think that there is value in doing it. Today, I just did regular acupuncture. I don't know if I would say that I actually enjoyed it, but I feel different after...calmer, more relaxed and hopeful.

Scan on Sunday...

Coasting

2008-07-24T16:13:00.003-06:00

Baseline ultrasound and blood work was Monday. Everything was a-ok. So, I started the clomid on Tuesday and I start the follistim on Friday. I am flying blind until Sunday when I have my follow-up scan. I am really, really hoping the we will see at least 6 follicles, but who knows. Strangely, I have only been slightly neurotic although I fully expect that to get worse before it gets better.

More C.hinese heat torture tomorrow. I really do hate it. I would spill nuclear secrets after one of those sessions. I find myself lying there praying. "Please God. Please let this work. What else could you possibly want me to do? I am submitting to torture by fire to get pregnant and stay pregnant."

This particular treatment is supposed to help prevent miscarriage. I have a history of those and if I get pregnant, only to miscarry again, I think I might lose it. Whatever happens, I will be able to sleep at night, or if not sleep, at least know that I did everything humanly possible. The rest is just not up to me, and that is going to have to be okay.

And It Begins

2008-07-20T17:06:00.003-06:00

My last bcp was Thursday night. AF arrived today. My baseline is scheduled for tomorrow. Although technically that will be day 2. I wonder if that is okay... Anyways, I am both excited and nervous. This should be interesting. No matter what happens I least I will have more information about egg quality and the like. Right?

In other news, I had my first acupuncture treatment Friday. It was interesting to say the least. I have a hard time just lying there waiting. I could see my phone vibrating from across the room and it was stressing me out. He did the whole needle thing, of course, but then, he did mox.ibustion on me as well. Have any of you done this? They stick little things on your abdomen and light them on fire. Supposedly, it improves circulation and with my history of endo and who knows how much scar tissue, I figured that it could only help. I kept waiting for the DE.A to bust in. It smells like an outdoor rock concert if you catch my drift and the smell seeps into everything.

I was laughing when I got into my car thinking about what on earth I would say if I happened to get pulled over. "But really officer, I just left acupuncture. No, of course I haven't been smoking anything." I'm pretty sure that he would feel like a vehicle search was in order, and if he made me take that coordination test...I would be so screwed cuz balance and coordination is not my thing, ya know? This whole infertility thing just keeps getting more and more interesting.

Getting Closer

2008-07-16T15:58:00.003-06:00

Thanks everybody that weighed in on the whole diet thing. I was thinking about starting the recommended diet at stims and based on what all of you said, that is what I am going to do. So, beginning Monday, fruit, veggies, whole grains, lean protein and no brownies. I think that I may have to have one last hurrah this weekend though... :)

I have also been thinking about doing acupuncture along with my IVF cycle. My first appointment is scheduled for Friday. With my endo history, I figure I can use all the help I can get with my circulation. He also recommended that I soak my feet every night in hot, hot water. Apparently, that can also improve circulation to your reproductive organs. Who knew?

In other news, my meds have arrived and HOLY CRAP there are soo many. I felt a little overwhelmed as I unpacked the box. I just have to remember to take this one day at a time. Sadly, mine did not arrive with Kisses. I am absolutely convinced there MUST be a mix up though. Among the thousands of medications, I only found two va.lium...count them...1....2... Surely, they scripted me a box for the two week wait...don't cha think? :)

Still Waiting

2008-07-14T16:13:00.002-06:00

Still taking the bcps. Is it just me or do they make you really hungry?

I feel like such a big lug. I have been working out pretty regularly, but I am decidedly unmotivated. I have to stop the high impact stuff next week and walking on the treadmill is just so much fun. Do you detect the sarcasm? Besides, if things go well, I will be gaining weight anyway...

My doctor recommends a high-protein, minimized carb diet with none of the really good stuff, like chocolate cake or lucky ch.arms, beginning at retrieval until beta. Just out of curiosity, have any of your doctor's recommended dietary changes? I will follow her guidelines regardless, but it just seems downright cruel to make a woman in the two week wait give up sugar, caffeine, AND chocolate. :)

I've Been Thinking

2008-07-08T15:41:00.004-06:00

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the topic of infertility lately and last night I started an angry, ranting post after a conversation with my husband, but the more I thought about our conversation the more I am beginning to grasp where all of the misperceptions of infertility might begin.

Infertility is not a black and white issue, and we live in a black and white society, especially when it comes to medical issues. Either the test is positive or negative. Either you have cancer or you don’t. We like problems to be neat and tidy so that we can fix them and move along. The problem with infertility is that it is rarely neat and tidy. Many times there are issues on top of issues. We solve one to discover another. In that sense, I think infertility is one of the most frustrating diseases to live with. As patients, it often feels like we take two steps forward and three steps back. Even the diagnosis of infertility is based on time and statistics compared to the fertility within the general population!

Daily, it seems, we are forced to listen to dear aunt Maggie with her helpful assvice…”prop your hips up, dear,” and cousin Sue with her story of her whirlwind trip to Hawaii where she was SO RELAXED that she came back pregnant . These stories are enough to make most infertiles stark-raving-mad lunatics who desire to bang their heads against a brick wall... “Padded room for one, please.”

The problem with most of us is that we are subfertile. With enough years of months trying, statistics will probably land in our favor. So how long do we wait? Two years? Five years? Ten years? When do we accept defeat and pursue options that increase our odds of having a baby before we turn fifty? (Let’s not even talk about the fact that as we age what fertility we have evaporates!) And really, that is what infertility treatments do…increase our odds. They are never a sure thing. How do you convey that to someone who sees things in black and white, when infertility is a hundred shades of gray?

The longer I walk this journey, the harder it has become to listen to what I consider to be ignorant comments. It is even harder when they come from someone who is “supposed” to love and empathize with me. I do my best to educate when given the opportunity but sometimes you know as well as I do that that can be a lost cause.

All I can say is that "blogland" has become a retreat: a safe place where I can go to read others thoughts and experiences, a place where an encouraging group of people understand the overwhelming emotions, as well as the alphabetical terminology. I have learned, laughed, cried and celebrated with people that I wouldn’t even recognize on the street, and I am a better person because of it. This community of women and a few men is the reason that I don’t feel so alone, and if others can’t understand my trepidations, my joys, my frustrations, I take comfort from the fact that I to belong to a community who can.

Hurry Up and Wait

2008-07-07T15:29:00.003-06:00

Injection training today. Meds ordered. BCPs til the 17th and I go in for my first scan on the 21st. Is it just me or is time moving very sloooowly...

I'm ready to get this party started! I'm dying to know what my day 3 antral follicle count is going to be. If I'm this impatient now, what do you think the odds are that the two week wait will actually kill me? :)

No Whining Zone

2008-07-01T19:58:00.002-06:00

Okay...sorry for the pity party yesterday. I think I have just been feeling overwhelmed. I am declaring this a no whining zone. I am going to focus on the possibilities and quit worrying about the what ifs for now.

I think I have been a little discouraged because I have been surrounded by unsuccessful cycles, but the trend has been broken! First JJ, and now a girl in my local IF group!!

Here's to two pink lines and spectacularly rising betas...

May the new trend continue.

Where I Am Today

2008-06-30T10:34:00.001-06:00

As this IVF cycle creeps closer and closer, I have very mixed emotions.

I am ecstatic. I am happy with the prospect of simply moving toward our goal of a healthy baby. I feel as though I have been in limbo so long. Floating aimlessly, doing nothing at all to achieve our goal. I am excited because this could actually work. The success rate per cycle is much higher than other fertility treatments, and I feel like I have a real chance of this working. REs have been recommending IVF to me for over 4 years, folks. At that time, I just wasn’t ready. I needed to treat the raging endometriosis and be healthy myself before I could take what I see as the ultimate step. So 4 years, 2 surgeries, and 5 specialists later, I stand at the edge of the precipice about to leap and praying that I won’t crash to the rocks below.

I am resentful. I am angry and bitter that I don’t get to conceive the “natural” way. Why does it take us a doctor, multiple nurses, an embryologist, a very special little cup and many, many artificial hormones to create a baby when the rest of the world just takes their ability to reproduce for granted? The rest of the world PLANS when it would be CONVIENIENT to have a baby. I can only hope and pray that I would be so very blessed. Convenience be damned.
I am afraid. I am afraid that it will work, and then miscarry. I am afraid because from where I stand today, I don’t see us doing this again. Never say never, but unless I have snowflakes to thaw, this is the end to my journey to have biological children. Yes or no…this is it. I believe that I will be a mom but this may not be my path.

I am almost afraid to admit this here but…

I also struggle because while so many of you would be thrilled to be pregnant with multiples, I would not. I have always dreamed of having 2 or 3 children, but I long to have that one on one time with each child that I fear that with multiples you miss. From the time, I was a child I dreamed about one day being a mom. In that dream, there was only one baby at a time! If I am so blessed to be pregnant with more than one baby, I will adjust. I bounce pretty quickly, but today it overwhelms me. At this point, I feel guilty talking about my “ideal,” as if I am no longer allowed to desire the dream the way I’ve always envisioned it and maybe I shouldn’t...

I am in process of letting go of those “ideals” and embracing the life I am in. I believe that there is a God and that his plans are far better than anything that I could possibly dream. So for now, I am trying to let go of my little girl dreams and embrace the dreams of today. Being a mommy…however it may happen.

Stocking Up

2008-06-26T14:37:00.004-06:00

You should have seen the look on the checkers face! I think she thought I was crazy. According to this website, these are actually fairly good tests, and for $1 a test, why not?

I think that I want to watch the trigger leave my body and then, who knows. I am almost certain that I will test before beta day. I have a small addiction to pee sticks. I can tell your all stunned by that statement. What? The photo gave me away?

Green Light

2008-06-24T20:43:00.003-06:00

I passed the trial transfer and the sonohystogram if not with flying colors at least with moderately decent colors. The trial transfer was quick and painless. The sonohystogram was not nearly as bad as the hsg. I would recommend taking ad.vil about an hour before the procedure. I was only in pain briefly and then, I was fine. I credit the ad.vil with that.

Things I learned:

1. That I have an enormous cyst on my ovary. We should still be able to move forward with IVF regardless.

2. That apparently I have a "weany" bladder. I was not aware that this was a medical term...

3. That a paper sheet is sufficient coverage. Haven't you heard? They are all the rage in Paris. See above...I really had to pee and the bathroom was down the hall. Honestly, I probably would have still bolted to the ladies without any coverage.

4. That apparently I am freaking hysterical in person as the RE and the nurse laughed their butts off the whole appointment. I think that I might be what you might call a pain in the ass, err... I mean a challenging patient.

5. That I will be on a clomid/FSH protocol with ganerelix and that since I only have one ovary, the RE is expecting me to produce 4-6 eggs high quality eggs.

My injections class is scheduled for July 7 and I will start stims probably the third week of June. Retrieval should be the last week in June and transfer the first week in August.

The anxiety is starting to creep in, but hope is too.

Home Sweet Home

2008-06-17T19:58:00.001-06:00

Vacation was wonderful. It was the epitome of relaxation. The weather was mostly cooperative and needless to say, I wasn’t quite ready to return to the real world. When I got home, it took me several days to get off of “Bahamian time.”

Since we got home, we have been BUSY. My cousin and his girlfriend spent the weekend after we got home with us. Then, we took a quick trip to D.C. That was interesting…the trip was lovely…the flight…well, let’s just say that there was an absolutely adorable 9 month old baby girl on the plane who just happened to be seated in the next seat. Sigh. Seriously, sometimes, I just think that I’m cursed.

We have also added a new member to our family. We now have a new, baby kitty…Mia. She is a handful. Our sheltie, Haley, is adjusting. They are actually doing pretty well together. She is laying in my lap purring as I type. My husband made the comment the other day that her motor is going to wear out. :) She purrs constantly.

In fertility news (no pun intended), I have started bcps for my IVF cycle. Holy crap. My trial transfer and sonohystogram are scheduled for Thursday morning. I get to drink copious amounts of fluid and then be tortured. I seriously think I need a new hobby…

So the question of the day is: Is this going to be as much fun as the hsg, which for me was worse than grossly unpleasant and approached Holy shit! That Hurts!

Tips, tricks and witty remarks solicited.

Where has the time gone?

2008-05-19T19:11:00.008-06:00

Today, J and I have been married seven years. Where has the time gone? Our orginal plan was to play, play, play, and then at year five have our first baby. The plan included at least two and possibly three kids. So, you see how that worked out.

We actually started trying at year two, which means that we have been playing this IF game for five years. Year one and year two were sheer hell. The pain was an acute, sharp, stabbing pain that was almost constant. It's different now. IF still sucks. I hate it, but somehow I have moved past the agony that was those first two years.

It has become my new normal. It is what is...and I am happy. I still want to be a mommy more than anything, but I have so much to be thankful for. The best way to describe what IF has become is a drain; it does its best to suck energy and joy out of life, but I fight my hardest to resist and keep my perspective...which is that I have a wonderful husband, and family and that I will eventually be a mommy, one way or another.

When I started this journey, I had doctor, who apparently needed extensive sensitivity training, tell me very bluntly that I would never be mom without IVF... and medically she may be correct. At the time, I was not ready to pursue IVF. I just wasn't there yet. I stiffened my backbone and told her that I didn't know if my children would be biological or not, but that I would be a mommy. I sobbed the whole way home...normally a twenty minute drive, I was so upset that it took me almost two hours because I took the wrong freeway.

I'm thankful that I am no longer an emotional wreck most days, but as our IVF cycle draws nearer that may change. I expected to be excited, but all I feel right now when I think about it is anxiety. I resent that I have to put all of these meds in my body when the fertile world gets to actually ENJOY the process of making babies. I am terrified that we will go through the procedure and I will end up with a negative or even worse, a chemical pregnancy. Let's not even talk about the emotional wreck I will be if it actually works...I will be the craziest, most paranoid pregnant lady the walked the face of the earth!

Sorry to ramble, my thoughts are all jumbled right now.

In other news, we are taking a pre-IVF, anniversary trip to one of the most wonderful and relaxing places that I have ever been.

Back next week... :)

Change in Perspective

2008-04-02T19:54:00.004-06:00

When people ask about adoption cuz they inevitably they do...we have been married 7 years in May and have no children gasp, my standard answer has been "We're just not there...yet." Earlier this week, a very sweet lady (who has 3 beautiful boys and is due any day with a baby girl) asked and then casually mentioned that they were thinking about the foster/adopt program (because so many children need good homes) and had we considered it.

My first reaction which I verbalized was something along the lines of well gosh darn, shucks, we're just not there yet... My second reaction which I somehow kept to myself was I bet its easy to consider when you have 4 beautiful children already... Inside, I cringed and thought, no way. I have seen the heartbreak that can be the foster care system first hand. My aunt was a foster mom for years and years.

Today, I don't know. Something changed. I had to visit a patient's home for my job and it is in a scary part of town. Picture barbed wire and bars on windows... I pull up to the house and it looks like it is about to implode. Nothing has been maintained and it looks a lot like I would picture an eery, uninhabited haunted house. In the house at 3 o'clock in the afternoon are 3 adults who are respectively chain-smoking, sitting on the couch in his underwear and passed out on a bed in the bedroom. I stepped in the front door, and the tile that was inside the door crunched...it actually crunched and the concrete was exposed...

There were also two little girls there, probably 3rd or 4th grade age. They answered the door, helped me with the information that I needed, and were unfailingly polite. The adults never moved or even acknowledged my presence. I wanted to pack those little girls up and take them home with me! I got teary in the car. Those little girls deserve to be giggly, carefree little girls and from what I saw, they have been forced in adult roles. It just...I don't know...put things in perspective. Now, they didn't look neglected or anything, but still. There are children out there that are. Maybe foster/adoption is something that may be in our future. I still don't know, but I was reminded of how blessed I am and have been.

Does this make any sense?

IVF Scheduled

2008-04-01T14:44:00.003-06:00

Yesterday, J and I got to visit with my RE about our upcoming IVF cycle. She is recommending that we do a clomid-bravelle antagon cycle because I respond so well on clomid. Hopefully, that should make our medication costs a little less ugly...

We are looking at a June bcp start with retrieval and transfer in July. I feel pretty positive about the appointment. I now have a box of bcps in my cabinet at home. (Holy crap!! It appears we are actually going to do this.)

We were hoping to stim in June but that would mean that I would be on bcps on our trip to the Bah.amas in May and with aspirations to be the next, great infertilty urban legend, we had to push it back a month. (You know the girl who is scheduled to start IVF and she goes on vacation and RELAXES and boom...she winds up pregnant.) If this actually happens the irony alone will probably kill me, but one can dream, right? RIGHT?

One topic of concern...the PIO injections. J travels...quite a lot...like 2 or 3 nights a week. How the hell am I going to give myself these injections??? Have you seen the ginormous needle??!! Umm ok, stupid question, of course you guys have seen it, but HOLY CRAP!

So...the question of the day is: can I give myself the PIO or should I start accepting applications from people who would like to poke me in the butt with an unusually large needle? We just moved, and I work as an outside marketing rep so unfortunately I don't know many people very close to the house.

What IS the protocol when you need help of a personal nature? "Um, excuse me, but would you like the opportunity to check out my extremely white behind, and better yet, jab me in the butt with a needle back there? Oh and by the way...My name's Cathleen...and yours was?" I'm thinking that the people in the Targ.et line may not be the most responsive...in fact, abject horror would probably be the reaction. Help!

Any and all suggestions would be much appreciated. I think I would just need help a couple of mornings a week, but still...

IVF

2008-03-25T15:58:00.003-06:00

Going to see the RE on Monday to talk about ivf. You know, they have only been recommending it for 4 years! Okay...they win. I'm curious to see what type of protocol she's going to recommend. We are probably looking at a June/July time frame since J and I have a scrumptious trip planned with our friends in May.

I'm excited and kinda nervous about the whole ivf thing. It's probably our best chance of pregnancy but I know better than to think that it is a guarantee. I have so much hope. I think that's what scares me.

Quirky Facts

2008-03-19T13:54:00.003-06:00

So I have been tagged by JJ to tell you all about how odd of a person I really am...

1. I HATE surprises. I like knowing what to expect from people and situations around me. I don't even like good surprises. The not knowing really bothers me.

2. I am a list freak. I think I have even made a list about lists before...scary, I know. Lists help keep me on track. Without them, I forget the most assinine and obvious things. (and I loved the bullets from JJ's post.)

3. My husband and I have had a running argument since we started since we got married about 7 years ago. I want to know about the sex of the baby and he doesn't. (See above re:surprises.) It's still a surprise if you find out in utero. I think that knowing makes the waiting and the shopping more fun. Plus, after all this time trying to get pregant, a pregnancy and then labor and delivery, would I even care much less be excited by the whole "It's a girl!! or It's a boy!" The only thing I'm going to care about is he/she ok? So I want the excitement of knowing. and planning and shopping... :)

4. My closet looks like the aftermath of a major weather disturbance. My husband refuses to share a closet with me. Hey, I might make lists but he rotates his socks! God love him...the freak. :)

5. If you looked up the definition of clutz in the dictionary, you will probably find a picture of me.

Hmm... how's that for quirky/weird/boring facts about me? I think everybody has already done this meme so if you haven't and would like to consider yourself tagged!

Long Time No See

2008-03-06T22:41:00.003-06:00

Not insulin resistant...woo-hoo! I just might have a small addiction to t.winkies...

Taking clomid again. Cheap thrills and all that. Was anyone else as pleasureable to be around as I'm sure I have been? That stuff makes me grouchy, and HUNGRY.

I have also been going to the gym and working out. It's an m.ma gym so basically you just punch and kick the snot out of the bag for about an hour. I don't have an athletic bone in my body so this is quite an accomplishment. (The first time I took the kickboxing class the instructor wanted to know if the leg I was kicking with was my retarded leg! He's actually a nice guy so this should clearly illustrate how pathetic I must have looked.) I really enjoy it. I'm starting think that I might have an inner bad ass inside me after all...or maybe not. It's great stress relief. Sadly, no weight loss to report, (See above, T.winkies.) but I FEEL great.

I have just been taking a break (obviously) from blogging. I still read blogs almost every day but I think that I took that last miscarriage kinda rough. The whole experience was/is just so draining. My goal has been to focus on things that I can actively do to be healthier and happier.

Coming soon....weird/quirky facts about myself...thanks to JJ.

Now What?

2007-12-08T11:47:00.000-06:00

So, this pregnancy is finally coming to an end. I saw the doctor this week and thankfully, it was only a biochemical pregnancy and not ectopic or anything. She seems to be very encouraged by the fact that I got pregnant on the clomid.

I asked her why she thinks that I keep miscarrying at about 5 weeks (This is my second.) and she thinks that it might be metabolic.

What? What does that mean?

It means that she thinks that I might be insulin resistant. Glucose 2-Hour test to follow. Ugh! Fun.

Dr. Google says that insulin resistance can interfere with implantation. Interesting...

It's Over

2007-11-30T15:13:00.001-06:00

My levels are dropping...Just waiting for the final crimson finale that is to come.

No News

2007-11-29T21:14:00.001-06:00

You know how they say "No news is good news...?" Yeah, I'm not buying it either. The lab didn't get the results to my doctor today. Grr...

I should hear something tomorrow.

I'm a little worried. The only symptom that I have been having is the exhaustion. By exhaustion, I mean desperately wanting a nap by 2:00 everyday. Today, I was fine. So I guess we'll just have to see.

I want to be excited. I want to believe that this could actually result in a baby. Hope really is starting to creep in. I just don't want to be absolutely crushed if everything goes to h.e.l.l. in a hand basket...you know? I guess, all I can do is hope for the best and brace for the worst.

Can y'all hear the clock ticking or is it just me?

Numb

2007-11-27T16:06:00.000-06:00

Holy crap...

My hcg is now 147 with a doubling time of approximately 36 hours.

I am literally stunned. I can't believe it. Next blood draw tomorrow.

Waiting Game

2007-11-26T16:09:00.000-06:00

So, about my comments on clomid…yeah…apparently it can in fact work. Now before you go and jump to crazy conclusions, let me fill you in. Last cycle I did a clomid challenge test…100mg of clomid days 5-9. I had no expectations that it would, in fact, get me pregnant…None, with a capital N, this was just a test in a long line of tests, blah, blah…you all know the drill.

Well, along came the two week wait and I have to say, I was impressed. My thoughts were “Wow…this really does increase your progesterone and check out my amazing bosom.” Having never been blessed in the bosom department I was loving the new-found almost cleavage! So along comes cd 28 and 29 and nothing. So I dug out the old trusty pee sticks and nothing. As usual, one solitary pink line…So finally, auntie arrives in all of her glory, but then, 2 days later it’s over and I know that I can’t possibly be lucky enough to have a 2 day period, I mean come on, so I decided to pee on a stick just for grins and immediately one line appears, and I thought to myself “You crazy girl, of course you couldn’t possibly be pregnant.” And then I looked again… “uh…what the heck is that. Holy crap is that another line???” Granted you needed bright sunlight and almost x-ray vision to see the darn thing but it was there.

While I was stunned, I figured with an almost non-existent line that my hcg was probably too low to get excited about. The beta that I had confirmed that at 18 days past ovulation my hcg was a whopping 9. So I just got new blood test back today expecting the beta to be dropping…but um no, the little bugger is going up, not doubling mind you, but going up. Apparently my body wants to be pregnant as much as I do and refuses to admit defeat. So, here I sit in chemical pregnancy limbo waiting for the fat lady to sing and hoping for a miracle…

P.S. I also wanted to say a huge thank you to Sunny for nominating me for the The Blogger Flame of Fortitude award. What a sweet and encouraging sentiment!

P.S.S. I got my pomegranate pendant from Beagle. It is beautiful and I absolutely love it. All of the proceeds from her jewelery and pottery will be used to finance the adoption process. Beagle’s store and a link to other great shops here.

Decisions...Decisions

2007-11-09T13:24:00.000-06:00

Last night I went to my monthly infertility group meeting. Of the 10 girls that attended, 3 are waiting on IVF results, and 1 is waiting on IUI results. December could be a BIG month. I am hoping and praying for success for them all. One finds out her test results today....but in Blogland and even this group, I feel a little left behind because we are not actively pursuing treatment at this time. It is such an odd feeling. I am ok with where we are because I have to be, but still, I am so ready to get this ball rolling.

We are hoping to cycle, probably an IUI, before the end of the year but the dates don't look very friendly. So, it may be January. It will be my first real treatment cycle. I think I'm a little excited about it. Does that make me a total loser? A-hem. Don't answer that.

Our options are essentially either an IUI with Inj. or IVF, probably with ICSI. I'm not very confident that an IUI will increase our success rates all that much so I feel like its a rite of passage just to get to the IVF. Is it silly to do one IUI if I have little hope that it will work? What do y'all think? As always, money does factor into the decision for us. I guess I need to write my letter for the Blogtavism campaign because that is the whole point. We should not have to make medical decisions based on out-of-pocket cost.

You know...I could be pregnant. I did take clomid this month (not that ovulation has ever been out problem)....yeah...I'm not convinced either, but stranger things have happened....I think...maybe...

Normal

2007-10-30T20:43:00.000-06:00

I got back the results from the clomid challenge test and it appears that I passed with flying colors. BIG sigh of relief...

So I guess this means that we are eligible for an IUI with injectables.

A Whole Lotta Hype

2007-10-04T14:10:00.001-06:00

Okay, Okay...basically a whole lotta hype for nothing. My FSH level is 9.8...quickly approaching the red flag 10. But for now, my RE stressed that is in still in the normal range, and they just want me to do another test so that she can better advise me as far as options and timelines.

Clomid Challenge Test here I come. Can you believe that in all this time (4 years) that I have never taken clomid??? Surprising, since they pass in out like candy...

My RE cracks me up. She told me that if I get pregnant on the clomid that she won't be mad at me. Pregnant on clomid...yeah right.

Phone Call

2007-10-02T08:20:00.000-06:00

I just got a call from the RE's office regarding my Day 3 test results.

They want me to come in and discuss them. Lovely...

Nothing Like a Slap in the Face

2007-09-26T20:10:00.001-06:00

I grew up a small town girl where everybody knows everybody and their business. Since my parents still live there, I often get updates on people whether I like it or not.

My mom called to today with the delightful news that my former best friend is 6 weeks pregnant. She has a little girl who just started first grade and now they are announcing this pregnancy AND that they want a little boy for daddy to anyone who will listen. (This from a couple who were done having children and probably decided five minutes ago to have another...)

I am not taking this news well. I can't quite pinpoint how I feel...

Shock, anger, jealously...

I'm not crying...yet, but my stomach feels like it is in knots.

I feel like the world is passing me by and there is nothing I can do about it.

Quick Update

2007-09-18T17:42:00.000-06:00

I'm sure that this post is probably going to be greeted by the sounds of crickets chirping, but here goes...

I had an appointment with my RE yesterday and she is now giving us the option of a clomid-fsh IUI cycle. We will probably start here because both J and I were/are hesitant to jump right into IVF. Our house is on the market and as soon as it sells (quickly hopefully). We will move forward with our baby steps.

Reflection

2007-07-24T16:32:00.001-06:00

I have been doing a little emotional self evaluation of late and while I'm not surprised by what I have found, I'm not too proud of it either. The emotions of infertility are intense, overwhelming and at times all consuming. Part of what self examination reveals...

I am ANGRY.

I am angry that the world is not fair.

I am angry the crack whores are having babies. I am angry that stupid, boring, square, insert any other adjective of choice people are having babies. Jeez, I am mad that anyone who is not a fellow stirrup queen is having a baby. (For some reason, I feel like stirrup queens DESERVE their children. Maybe because I feel like they truly appreciate what a miracle a child really is.)

I am angry that should I decide to adopt a child that I will have to prove to people that I am worthy to have a child. How are any us of worthy to have a child??? How dare they question my worth, value and ability to parent? Look at all the people in Wa.lmart attempting the parent. From where I sit, noone is handing out parenting licenses at the hospital!

I am CYNICAL.

I truly have doubts that I will ever have a child.

I am EXHAUSTED.

I not ready to give up, but the unanswered question of when this will end is exhausting to me. It is so hard to fight a fight when there is no foreseeable end in sight.

But most of all, I am BITTER.

This is what I am most ashamed of. I have allowed this circumstance to steal my joy and appreciation in life. It causes me to dwell on what I don't have instead of the many wonderful blessings in my life. I expect the worst...always. It has made me into a negative person instead of the optimist that I was.

I have been thinking about all of this as we finally are anticipating scheduling the prelimary IVF appointment. (I know, we move at the pace of an elderly turtle.)

I want to have hope. I am working on it...one day at a time.

Hello Out There

2007-05-30T21:27:00.000-06:00

Holy crap...I've been out of Blogland longer than I thought...

So let's see, what's the story. Well, the short version is that I quit my job (the company that I was working for was CRAZY, truly I promise), had about a million interviews, started a new job, and talked to the guy that is building our house about dozen times a day.

The good news is that the house is slated to be done at the end of June. Translation: The house will be done the middle to the end of July. It won't stop raining and the mud is so gooey that who knows when we will be able to pour the driveway. But all in all, the whole process has been kinda fun. If anybody is still out there reading this drivel and would like to see pics, email me and I will send you a link to my other blog with pictures of the house.

IF has kinda been on the back burner. While I'm not completely obsessing over it every minute of every day, it is still a constant. IVF is in our future. I just don't know when yet. As soon as we can get caught up on everything financially I guess... I'll keep you posted.

I have been getting caught up on all of your blogs and I will even try to start commenting soon.

Thanks to all of you that checked up on me.

Closet? What Closet?

2007-03-28T08:47:00.000-06:00

Hi, my name is Cathleen, and I am an infertile.

So...apparently, I am more out there than I thought. While I have never really been a closet, infertile, I did not realize that I was THIS out.

Last night at a networking event for work, I bump into a VP who tried to hire me for his company about 6 months ago. He made it clear to me once again that they would still love for me to come work for them...Anyways...during this lovely, ego stroking conversation (It's great to be wanted. I know I'm a total dork.) we were talking the typical small talk.

He has a 3 year old little girl and was telling me all about her latest and greatest. I asked him if he thought that they might like to have more children. (After being in IF land, I am beginning to wonder if this might be bad (read: insensitive) question to ask.) and his answer to me was "well, it is taking us a little longer than expected. It took us over 4 years to get pregnant with the first one..." To which I reply, "I understand. We are still working on the first one." His response, "I remember that you said y'all were having problems."

Really? He remembers? Gee, I really need to be more careful. Apparently, I am REALLY open in my interviews. Yes, we had a great rapport but wow, I can't believe that I outed myself to essentially a stranger in a professional setting. I can't decide if this is a good thing or not.

When did IF become such a part of who I am?

Anyways, after I got over my initial shock that I had already outed myself in an interview, we preceded to discuss what they have been going through. Urology appointments, diagnosis, what their plans are, how he outed himself to HIS boss... Is is completely odd that I was totally comfortable having this conversation with someone? For some reason, I find it MORE odd that he is man. What do you think?

Finally Back

2007-03-25T12:50:00.000-06:00

I am still alive and somewhat sane, but the last two weeks have totally kicked my ass.

THANK YOU for checkin in on me. It warms my heart to see that you actually noticed that I was MIA. You can call off the search parties. I think I'm going to make it. (Although, that point may still be debateable if you factor in mental health...)

The short version is that everything that can wrong without death or dismemberment has occurred...at least it seems so to mean. It's a very long, very drawn out, very boring story with lots and lots of whining and self-pity so for your sake, I'll skip it.

Due to the nature of the above said insanity and self pity, I have not even read any blogs! (THE HORROR) I promise to get caught up asap. I hope everyone else is having a much better month than me and I expect to see GOOD NEWS everywhere.

More later...I promise.

Big, Bad Scary Dream

2007-03-08T11:02:00.000-06:00

What is WRONG with me? I'm having vivid nightmares!

Last night, I dreamed that 4 big, burly men with fake, black, curly beards (I have no idea where the fake beards came from.) pull up in a truck with HUGE tires outside my fence. (I mean, come on, I am from Texas so that pretty much describes half the vehicles on the road.)

They climb the fence and start pounding at my back door, yelling at me to let them in, and that they are coming in to get me. I panic and start running. They are able to get into the house, and somehow I stay just ahead of them. I am running as fast as I can, running toward the neighbors, running for help, but they are just about to grab me...

and then suddenly, I am awake, and my heart is racing and I can still feel the terror.

Anyone want to take a stab at this? Am I losing it?

Questions for my RE

2007-03-06T15:44:00.000-06:00

Since J's test, the RE is recommending that we move forward with IVF/ICSI so I am compiling a list of anal questions to ask so that I understand the process. This is a list of the questions that I have so far.

1. What medication protocol do you recommend? How many eggs do you hope to retrieve or what is a reasonable expection considering that I only have one ovary?

2. If I remember correctly you will transfer 2 embryos? What is your opinion on single embryo transfers? How much would this influence our chance of acheiving pregnancy?

3. Do you typically recommend day 3 or blastocyte transfers? Is this determined before the cycle begins or is this decided once we learn the quality and quantity of the embryos?

4. Would we be a candidate for assisted hatching? What method of assisted hatching does your lab utilize? On what percentage of your patients do you recommend assisted hatching?

5. Once the eggs are retrieved and we receive the fertilization report, what kind of updates are reasonable to expect from the lab?

6. What your recommendations with regard to quality when it comes to freezing? At what stage are they frozen? What is the freeze/thaw survival rate of your lab?

Ok...what have a missed? Any suggestions?

Barren Bitches Book Tour: The Children of Men

2007-03-05T15:03:00.000-06:00

Intrigued by this book tour and want to read more about Children of Men? Hop along to more stops on the Barren Bitches Book Tour by visiting the master list at Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/). Want to come along for the next tour? Sign up begins today for tour #3 ( The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger) and all are welcome to join along. All you need is a book and blog.

2. Some of the most memorable passages for me were those that described how dolls and even kittens came to take the place of babies for people after Omega. In all of these scenes, it is women who are pushing dolls in their strollers or taking kittens to be christened. Why do you think P.D. James chose to only portray women in these scenes? How does this fit with your own experiences of how men and women cope with infertility in similar or different ways?

I think that the reason that James chose to only portray women in these scenes is that as a culture that we tend to see infertility as a woman’s issue. Even if the cause of infertility is linked to the male, the problem is always manifested through the female in her lack of ability to conceive and bear a child. It is this final outcome that seems to determine fertility to the masses.

Men and women definitely seem to cope with infertility in different ways. At least that is my personal experience. I think as women we see the ability to conceive and bear children as a part of womanhood and identity. As women, we tend to define ourselves by our relationships first… ie. a wife or a mother. From childhood, we pretend and play these roles. Even before we join the “club” of wife or mother, we identify and recognize these definitions. I think this is evidenced by the tendency of women to be friends with other women who are in the same “stage” of life. Men on the other hand, do not seem to be defined by relationships, at least not in the same degree as women. Men seem to be defined much more by their career or their hobbies.

8. What do you think is the significance of the fact that the two people who are finally able to conceive are both considered "flawed?" (Luke had epilepsy and Julian had a deformed hand.)

In the story, one of the consequences of infertility is the disinterest in sex. It may be that since the epidemic that the frequency of sex is part of the continuing problem. After all, without sex, the chance of pregnancy without ART is zero. It could be that they are the only people who are still interested in having sex, after all of the invasive testing that is endured by the rest of the population on a frequent basis.

However, I like to think that the point may be linked to worthiness. It is intended to DEBUNK the notion that medical or physical flaws should be the determination that determines if an individual is worthy to be a parent.

9. What are your thoughts on the scene with the lady pushing her pretend child or doll? What do you think about the response of the people who react to her?

The lady is portrayed is wearing an “idiot’s smile.” She has obviously been broken by the grief of infertility. She seems to believe that the doll is in fact a child. Theo has mixed feelings, he experiences both “pity and…greater contempt.”

I can understand his reaction. As an infertile, I understand the wave of emotions that crash over and over, without interuption and without cease. It beats you and tries to break you. I have pity or rather compassion because I understand the pain, but I also understand the contempt as well. I refuse to let infertility break me. I will triumph over IF. However, my situtation is different because I still have hope. It is hope that keeps me from breaking. It is hope that makes me continue this journey. It is hope that ultimately will provide the baby that I long for. Without hope, it is probably only a matter of time before I too would shatter as this woman has.

The two women that approach are only minimally described. The first lady plays along with the charade. The second described only as “middle-aged woman in well-fitting tweeds, with hair carefully groomed” also begins by playing along with the charade. What happens next made me sick to my stomach and I had to pick my jaw up off the floor. The second woman “seize[s]” the doll and “dashe[s] it against the stone wall… the face shatter[s].”

The cruelty of the second woman is shocking to me. Is it because she has never experienced the crippling pain of infertility herself? Was she able to have a child and therefore does not understand the agony of infertility? How is it possible to be so cruel to a stranger who is causing no harm? What would cause someone to do such a thing?!! I’m sure that she views herself as one of those well meaning folks that feels that she has the responsibility to share the hard reality of life with everyone. What a tragic life perspective. If infertility has done nothing else, it has certainly taught me compassion.

11. In describing the world's "universal bereavement" over it's lack of children, the narrator tells us, "Only on tape and records to we now hear the voices of children, only on film or on television programmes do we see the bright, moving images of the young. Some find them unbearable to watch but most feed on them as they might a drug." How is this like your life dealing with infertility? How do you cope when you are confronted with images or reminders that are painful to you?

In as infertile, the only children that I interact with are not my own, and I look forward to spending time with them. When I am engaged and at play, I am happy and content. It is when I observe the interactions between the actual parents and the children that I feel pain. This is what I long for… a child that may share her daddy’s eyes, and my nose… or even a child that looks nothing like us. I long for the daily interaction with MY child.

When it comes to coping, I’m afraid that I do not cope well some days. Mostly, I tend to avoid situations where I am surrounded by parents with their children, and please, PLEASE do not make me attend another baby shower. The last one that I attended about did me in. What I have found that works for me is to attend and participate where I can and not beat myself up for saying no to those that I just can’t handle.

12. In speaking of Theo's preparation to attend the Quietus, the author says, "It had been his habit all his life to devise small pleasures as palliatives to unpleasant duties." Do you have any habits or coping mechanisms that have a soothing effect on days that you expect to be unpleasant?

There is nothing like a Chai Latte to soothe the soul. I just love its herbal-ly goodness, and the warmth through the cup, and the smell…aaagh. You might even be able to convince to shop the day after Thanksgiving with one of these…then again, maybe not.

I also try to take things one at a time. I can handle things if I don’t try to cope with more than one thing at a time. As you can tell, I am a list girl.

And of course, t.ums…Sometimes, these are very, very important.

Treading Water

2007-03-01T13:31:00.000-06:00

Nothing happenin' here. The results of the semen analyis kinda threw a wrench in things. I need to schedule a follow-up with the RE to she what she recommends moving forward. I have to admit that at this point I'm a little apathetic. I don't really care if we do IVF or IUI...just ready to move forward soon.

So..with regards to being OUT about infertility. I'm pretty out. Pretty much all of my friends and family know that I have problems. This is probably due to my inability to keep something of this importance to myself. I have always wanted to be a mom and I have wanted people to know that we are actively trying.

However, when the RE told me that I might need IVF, I felt...I don't know...ashamed, embarrassed? I have no idea why I felt this way. I am pretty educated thanks to all of you who have shared your journey out here in Blogland, but I suddenly wasn't ready to share this with anyone. I did not take this information well. In fact, I just told my mom this week. I think I was expecting censure.

I am ashamed to admit this to you. All of you brave souls that plunge right into ART headfirst and have never looked back. I didn't know how I felt. I was suddenly sick of always having to reassure and educate EVERYONE. I guess I felt like I was going to be judged on this decision. I don't know why I have felt this way. I was just exhausted and discouraged and sad.

My little pep talks to myself..."Self, everything is going to be okay. You are going to be a mom. Really, you are going to fine. This is eventually going to be fine..." were shall we say.. a bit ineffective.

Surprising, my husband's reaction to this news is what has gotten me through this. I have heard him TELL people that we are probably going to do in vitro. I was shocked when I heard this. I have always been the open one. He has never really talked about it. Just hearing his acceptance has given me strength to accept it as well.

So...as I said, I told my mom this week. For some reason, she was really difficult to tell, and you know what...it was no big deal. Her response was..."If you ever need us for anything, doctor's visits whatever, your dad and I are here."

I am so blessed.

And..you know what...I AM going to mom...I just don't know WHEN or HOW yet...

The Results Are In

2007-02-20T10:39:00.000-06:00

The count is good. The motility is fair (45% instead of 50%), but unfortunately, they all look like this.

Shit.

Updated
According to the nurse, she is recommending ICSI...which means IVF. We are still waiting for J's blood work to come back, and then, I guess, we will meet with her again.

Here's the thing... J just quit a nasty little n.icotine habit, and we all know that it has the reputation of making the little swimmies quite ugly. So, I would like to talk to the RE to see if she thinks that it would be worth retesting in about 70days or the time it takes for the sperm to regenerate to see if the morphology is any better.

The numbers that the nurse gave me were

55 mil total count
45% motility
1% morphology.

So, I have to ask...what do you think? Do we wait and retest or do we just say screw it and go straight to IVF with ICSI? Anybody else have any experience with crappy morphology?

All assvice would be greatly appreciated.

Testing Update

2007-02-19T16:19:00.000-06:00

Crap. Crap. Crap.

I just talked to my husband, and let's just say that he was less than inspired by the whole cup thing.

I just hope that this doesn't affect his results...

Worried

2007-02-18T19:39:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow is J's s.emen analysis. This is the determination of whether we will be able to move forward with an IUI next month.

He has not been tested in 2 years. He has had counts be way, way low and pretty close to normal in previous tests. They have also tended to look like Cousin It...

He was treated with medication about a year ago, but who knows if it helped. (I was pregnant at the time, and we never retested him even after I miscarried.)

Please, please let there be improvement, or at least be as close to normal as it has been...

Support Needed

2007-02-13T21:39:00.000-06:00

I just learned of some devastating news...

Dream Mommy's foster daughter, Princess, has passed away unexpectedly today. The news was posted by her sister in the comments. Please head over there and lend her some support.

"You Can't Win If You Don't Play The Game."

2007-02-12T19:04:00.000-06:00

Y'all are so right. I hope its ok if I quote you on that...it is absolutely the right way to put all of THIS into perspective.

So...after much deliberation, pending J test results next week we have decided to enter the game swinging. Now, before you get TOO excited, I have to tell you that we will be reporting to the PeeWee League. We have decided instead of plunging head first into IVF to take a step back and start a little slower. Our doctor is completely on board.

The game plan is injectables and IUI. I feel so much better. I am ready to start the game. I am playing to WIN!

Batter Up.

Why the Wait?

2007-02-09T11:10:00.000-06:00

I have been a bad, bad blogger. I have not been posting regularly, and I haven't even finished my side bar. Ok..I promise to get right on that. :) Just try not to hold your breath.

A couple of y'all have asked me why we are waiting to start the IVF. Well to be honest, now is really not the best time. Our money is being sucked in another direction...we are building a house. And yes, while I have to admit that this is VERY exciting. We were crazy enough to draw up our own floor plans, hire a contractor, etc.

I know, I know, it sounds like we have lost our minds...

One of the crappiest things about IF is living in this land of limbo. My husband and I have been saving to build this house for a couple of years and when we learned that the RE was recommending IVF, we had already started the project...as in, we already had poured concrete. Basically, we were past the point of no return.

The plan was to complete the house and start IF treatments. Since I am the one handling all of the day to day house stuff, he thinks that that in conjunction with IVF and my full time job that treatments would be too stressful for me. He would like to cross one thing off the list at a time, and as much as I'd like to argue, he makes good sense. (I have to handle the house stuff because he travels for work. Plus, that way I get what I want...)

Yesterday, I learned some disturbing news...

Financially, we were pretty comfortable with everything, but building a house like the one we are has presented a couple of surprises...we are a little ahem a lot over budget. I have to admit...I cried. I cried because I have been so freakin patient and I am TIRED OF IT. I was so disappointed because that news meant to me that the IF treatment is going to be delayed...AGAIN. I CAN"T DO THIS ANYMORE!! I am tired of standing still!!

Update

The good news is that after my husband and I talked last night, he is still confident that we will be able to move forward as soon as the house is complete. So, my timeline hasn't changed all that much. I have to admit that I am relieved. I think that I am approaching my patience threshold...

Uneventful Monday

2007-02-05T16:03:00.000-06:00

Well..not much happening here. I'm cd 15 and yup, I've ovulated. Not that that actually means anything...ovulation has never been my problem. So...on to the fun part...the 2ww. Not only a 2ww, but a 2 ww that I fully expect to amount to nothing. Yet, I can't help but hope that it does.

My husband, on the other hand, is planning HOW to celebrate when we do get pg this month. He has decided that should we actually hit the baby jackpot without the luxury vehicle priced ART that we are going to celebrate by ordering a $500 bottle of wine just for the hell of it. I've reminded him that he will have to wait to celebrate until after the baby is born because if we are dropping that kind of dough on a bottle of wine then I sure as hell want to taste it myself!

Thanks to everyone that commented on my last post. I know that once I acheive those coveted double lines that I will not care what my bank account looks like...its just that I get so angry?, frustrated?, sad?, that we have to spend that kind of money on something that should be a given... It's just NOT fair!

< sigh>

I guess I should just be thankful that we can afford to pursue treatment because there are so many out there that can't. So thanks again...I'll keep you posted with what we actually decide to do.

Advice Needed

2007-02-01T12:17:00.000-06:00

While my hubby and I have managed to climb the hurdle of if we should do IVF, we are still trying to figure out which way we would like to pay for it.

We are being offered the option of shared risk where you essentially pay more up front for multiple cycles and you receive a package price. If you acheive BFP with the first attempt, you pay more. If you don't, you pay less overall.

My questions to y'all are:

1. Were you given the option of shared risk and if so, did you or are you participating?
2. How many cycles did it take to acheive those coveted double lines?

Please feel free to comment, comment with a link to a post in your blog, or whatever...

All thoughts and suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Not So Ok

2007-01-31T13:19:00.000-06:00

Just got off the phone with my friend who just took a 2 week vacation to H.awa.ii...

Yup, you guessed it...she's pregnant....crap.

Maybe I Should Dye My Hair...

2007-01-30T19:30:00.000-06:00

Apparently, it's the Brunettes that are having all the fun...

I have this little addication to a certain little burrito place. I visit there often...at least once a week.

About a two weeks ago, my friend calls me up amazed.

Friend: "Cathleen, you are never going to guess what happened. They remembered that we were in there yesterday. I wanted to crawl under the table....and they COMPED me my lunch!!"

Me: "Wow, that's awesome. The manager must think you're hot."

Friend: "No way. He remembered that I was in here with you. I think that he's trying to use me to get to you."

Me: "Yeah...right."

Two Days Later

In line at the burrito place again, killing time because the line is loooong. I realized why the manager comped her her food.

Me: "Oh my God, I KNOW why he comped you your food."

Friend: "Really, what..why?

Me: "Do you remember what we were talking about in line that day?"

Friend: "Umm...no. Why?

Me: "We were talking about ROMANCE NOVELS, and how that some of the s.ex scenes are like p.o.r.n!!"

Friend: "Well, crap...I TOLD you he didn't have thing for me."

Fast forward to today

Me: "I'm going to go to a certain burrito place to pick something up for dinner."

Friend: "Hey, maybe the manager will comp you your food."

Other Co-worker: "Yeah, he comped me MY food last night."

Me: "Yeah, sure he will...(disbelief)."

Verdict

Nope. No comped food. Apparently, he doesn't like blondes.

Rumors and Lies

2007-01-26T17:05:00.000-06:00

I heard an interesting rumor about myself today, and for some reason, it is really pissing me off.

I changed jobs about 6 months ago. I still work in the same industry, but now I work for the competition.

I loved my job, but my former boss was extremely challenging to work for and with. It is common knowledge in our industry that she is a total B. Even though I constantly out-performed sale goals, I was in constant fear of being fired. She has a reputation for firing her staff just before they receive a HUGE bonus that they have already earned, but I digress…

Today, a former client of mine discovered that I now work for the competition. She was delighted that she found me. Now, I was extremely ethical when I left and did not try to cause trouble with my clients.

The official story that is now being circulated about me is that I left to STAY AT HOME AND HAVE BABIES. Now, my former coworkers knew that I had been trying to have children for over 2 years and that I had already had 2 surgeries for female issues, AND that I was definitely NOT pregnant.

Whatever happened to the old stand-by, “she was offered an opportunity that she just couldn’t pass up?”

If we don’t even venture into how totally sexist their story is, it just seems wrong to me on so many levels that THIS is what they decided was there official line as to what happened to me.

If I had any doubts (I didn’t) that I had made a mistake in leaving, I guess this pretty much clears it up, don’t cha think?

Or, am I completely overreacting by being totally pissed?

(a-hem, rant over)

Feelin' a Little Silly

2007-01-25T14:30:00.000-06:00

Sorry for the freak out yesterday. I guess one of the joys of being a female are the mood swings...and boy, do they swing fast.

I am feeling much better, and I am actually starting to feel optimistic about the upcoming IVF. It can and does work. I have great odds...although we all know that THAT doesn't mean squat.

Today, the sun is shining and the birds are chirping and I am happy. Geez..the optimism and happiness are almost nauseating, aren't they?

I think maybe I needed a little sunshine, and today, it is beautiful here...

I am looking at starting IVF #1 in April. We are still waiting on hubby's SA and blood work for both of us. Hopefully, we will not have to do ICSI, but it looks like that is probably going to be necessary. The SA will help shed light on that.

More later...I'm out to soak up some of this sunshine.

Day 3 Results

2007-01-24T14:41:00.000-06:00

FSH 8.3 mIU/ml
LH 9.2 mIU/ml
E2 47 pg/ml

The nurse says that everything looks good. Why am I concerned about these numbers if they aren't?

I just don't know if I can actually move forward with IVF. I read all of your stories in blogland, and I am terrified that IVF will not work. I don't know if I can handle another disappointment. IVF is definitely the best chance of me ever conceiving a child, but I don't know if that is a road that I can walk. I am truly fearful of the crash...

Appointment with New RE

2007-01-22T18:54:00.000-06:00

Well...I have to confess that I went into the appointment today expecting it to be a complete waste of time. I have done my homework, and if I could have just bypassed the consult and gone straight to the necessary testing, I would have done that in a heartbeart.

I was so wrong. I am so thankful that we met with her today. (I need a psydonym for my Doctor. Creative suggestions?) She was able to communicate to J, my hubby, where I have dismally failed. If I could bring her home with me, trust me, I would. It was like a Jedi mind trick.

These are your options...this is what I recommend...his conclusion...amazingly in sync with hers. I have to tell you; I was freakin impressed.

So, what did she recommend? She recommended IVF, but she would be willing to attempt a couple of injectible IUIs if we wanted to go that route.

Tomorrow, I have to have my day 3 FSH level checked to see if endo totally wrecked my eggs or if IVF is a go...

Now I just need to figure out which bank to rob...

Seeing Eye to Eye

2007-01-18T17:03:00.000-06:00

Now, let me begin with this. I love my husband. He is wonderful to me in so many ways, but when it comes to IF, we just don’t see things the same way.

We have been trying for a baby for 3 ½ years now. To say that it’s beginning to get to me would be the understatement of the century. IF is now a factor that defines a part of who I am; it has influenced me in so many ways, and while I am still irrationally optimistic, I have become a bit cynical. How else can you deal with that evil bitch, Hope when she lets you down? I have to at least attempt to protect my heart.

I have been ready to pursue ART since well…2 ½ years ago, my husband…not so much. He still believes that it will just happen. I don’t know if I would define this as hope or denial. As a huge fan of Dr. Google, I have a pretty good understanding of what we are up against, and let me tell you, our chances with an unmedicated, unassisted cycle our odds of conceiving are slim to none. I see reality and he sees possibility, but I believe that it’s essential that we be on the same page.

I have been doing my best to wait somewhat patiently. Since having my second surgery significantly improved my odds of pregnancy, he considers that Day One in our attempt to have a baby. As in, the previous two years never happened. While I can understand his logic, my chances at conceiving were minimal at best pre-surgery; I cannot just erase the slate. My heart is 3 ½ years into this struggle, this war with IF. I do not have the ability to compartmentalize my life. Each part of my life spills over into the other. I waffle to just being exhausted with it all or being ready to start any ART this minute. He is finally onboard with visiting the RE to evaluate our current situation. We’ll see how that goes.

Just how on earth do I communicate to him how important this is to me in a way that he can comprehend? In a way where his conclusion isn’t “What’s the rush? We still have plenty of time.”

Delurking in Blogland

2007-01-17T18:06:00.000-06:00

There is so much about IF that I hate. The total lack of control (I am a control freak.), the perpetual living in the land of limbo (I can’t schedule that vacation. I might be pregnant.), but the thing that I have hated the most is the isolation that comes with IF. I have learned the hard way (If I hear “Just Relax” or “I just KNOW that you will be pregnant by Christmas” one more time…) that unless someone is walking in our shoes, they are just truly unable to understand the implications that IF brings. You girls and guy, thank you for giving me a community.

As of today, I am officially delurking and plan to be more active in the IF blog community. I have been a reading since January 2006 when I stumbled across one of the veterans in Blogworld, Amanda over at Manana Banana. The discovery of her blog and her blogroll has changed my life. I have been educated and encouraged by all of your blogs over the last year, and I have been considering writing my one of my own. Then today, after reading Mel’s inspirational post, I thought, well…why the hell not?

I will probably bore anyone who reads this to tears, but I would like to document my IF experience for myself.

I am a 27 year old that has been struggling with IF for about 3 years now. I have been diagnosed with stage IV endo and my DH has less than stellar sperm. We are scheduled to see RE#2 next week. We plan to jump headfirst into the rollercoaster of ART. I’ll keep you posted…

As you can see, I am a total newbie when it comes to web posting and whatnot, so please try to be patient with me if you stumble across this blog any time soon.